Post-Election Humor

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday, but life has been a bit busy, and I didn’t feel inspired. And then I remembered yesterday was election day, and I had to do something about that (mostly for the losers, who could have been anyone at that point).

I would first like to say that the president depicted here is in now way supposed to represent the winner of yesterday’s election. I would have posted something this (or something similar) had the other guy won. The real purpose of this is just to make fun of politicians. This isn’t intended to reveal what I think about politics (though I don’t doubt some of it bleeds through). Anyway, I have a sure faith that our president will handle the nation’s situation much more competently than the one depicted here.

Hope you enjoy!

Well, Jack thought for the fiftieth time that day as he shifted through the ashen rubble, I guess they were right about the country going to Hell if he was elected. Go figure. He should have known there was something in that nervous tic, that odd laugh. But honestly, who would have guessed that the candidate would be completely insane? Jack sure couldn’t have.

What really surprised him, though, was how fast it had all happened. The white flecks falling from the sky wasn’t the January snow, but rather ash beginning a nuclear winter. It had been the president’s very first day on the job, and he had already messed everything up.

Jack remembered only a few hours ago, coming to the capital to watch the new president sworn in. The ceremony had been initially wonderful. There were lots of people gathered in the square, and several important people who couldn’t be bothered to mingle with the little commoners up above with the Justice. Then the president arrived, waving a hand that began hurricanes a thousand miles out to sea to be unleashed upon the nation’s enemies, smiling with diamond teeth that set girls and elderly women swooning at the sight, a sparkle in his eye that lit up the hope of those gathered there (well, except for the women – they were all unconscious by that point).

He was sworn in by the Justice, and then his speech began. That was when everyone knew something was wrong. To begin with, it was certainly the first inaugural address that started with the new president pulling out a big red button. Several people started, but the president only laughed.

“It’s only a Staples button,” he said. “Don’t worry – it doesn’t launch nukes.”

“That was easy!” replied the button.

“No, this one does.” He tossed aside the Staples button and brought out a much bigger red button, about the size and height of his closed fist, which he kept over the button as he grinned wider than any person should be able to and began his speech.

Everyone stared at him in utter confusion and horror as he rambled on maniacally for nearly half an hour, talking about the destruction of the nation’s enemies, the creation of a new environment to replace the one people had trashed, unicorns and pegasi, and free toys from China for all. All this, of course, was interspersed with laughter that lasted for minutes straight, until he collapsed and took a deep breath, at which point he rose to continue again.

He lost most of the crowd ten minutes in. At first they thought he was drunk, and texted their friends and family, “lol”ing and “lmfao”ing, until they remembered he had been the same old man they elected, right up until he was sworn in. Was he serious?

Jack thought he was, and he stared in horror at the president as he entered one final, long laugh. He knew the difference between a sober man and a drunk man, and even a man on drugs – and the president was certainly the first.

A shot rang out, and the president stopped laughing, a large hole puncturing his forehead. He stopped laughing, and plunged forward – onto the button. That was when everyone panicked, and the world went to hell.

Jack hurried to his hotel, switching on the television as soon as he entered, trying to listen to the reporter over the screams and cries of all the people running amok outside.

“Hello, this is Harold Guy,” said the reporter. “Who should probably be heading home right now to warn his family of imminent attack, but is instead here because he is so devoted to his job. The president was assassinated today and a terrorist launched every single one of the nation’s nukes randomly across the globe.”

“The president was going to do that!” said someone off screen.

“I know!” cried the reporter, tears forming in his eyes. “But I just can’t believe he would do such a thing! He was soft, and gentle, and kind! He was more than a president, he was…he was like a lover to me! His gorgeous eyes, his powerful hand, his beautiful voice, all gone! I just can’t believe it was all a lie – he was all my hopes and dreams, and then he dashed them to the ground in one fell swoop!”

At this point he plunged his head against the table and sobbed uncontrollably. Another person, a young woman, stepped in front of the television and began speaking in a much calmer tone, over the ceaseless sobs in the background.

“Most of the nuclear weapons have hit,” said the woman. “And responses are coming back from around the globe. China has declared an embargo on all things American, and refuses to send us cheap plastic products anymore; Scotland is requesting another nuke, but targeting a location farther south – Ireland says the same, only a location farther east. Australia says ‘Ha, you missed!’ France has surrendered to the US, while Norway, Nigeria, Thailand, Madagascar, and Yemen have declared war. Germany has declared war on South Africa for reasons of anarchy and Japan has declared war on Antarctica. Meanwhile, the Russian prime minister says ‘It’s already winter here – all you did is put a nuclear in front of it. Soon we will have Alaska, and then we will unleash our zombie KGB army on you! Fear us!”

But Jack didn’t stay to hear any more. In fact, he had been packing as the reporter had been speaking, and was now headed out the door. He got in his car and sped out from the capital, though this soon proved ineffective as hordes of traffic put a halt to any hope of escape that way. He got out on foot, looking up just in time to see the big Russian missiles coming toward them, each displaying the words: “To Frankie – Quit Stalin!”

So now Jack walked among the rubble of the ruined capital. The world was quiet and still. He could have heard a mouse move, but all the mice had probably died in the explosions.

He suddenly became aware of the fact that he had wandered back to the square where the inaugural address had taken place. There was the rubble of the building that had once housed all those prim and proper rich people. He wondered how many had escaped, using their private jets and high tech teleportation pads.

The rubble moved. Well, there was one survivor. He stepped forward, to see if he could help. But the debris was blasted away, and up stood the single person that Jack had thought he would never have to see again. No, it wasn’t his ex-girlfriend, or that one talentless singer, no. Those paled in comparison, the nuclear strikes paled in comparison, to what he saw now. There stood the most terrifying creature in all of creation, shimmering in the sun like he had skin made of diamonds, or of disco balls. All hope left Jack. Because it was the president, and he was really a sparkling vampire.


One thought on “Post-Election Humor

  1. Rob says:

    When I got to the end, it suddenly appeared as though it had all been a bad dream. Unless Jack turns out to be one of the Walking Dead. Zombie versus Vampire! yay!

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